Lessons from Brene

 

Brene Brown with Jono Fisher of Wake Up Sydney (Photo by WakeUp Sydney)

Last Saturday, I had the privilege to hear Brene Brown speak at a session hosted by Wake-Up Sydney. She is a social worker who does research into vulnerability, shame and fear. I have been a fan of Brene's work ever since I stumbled on her first book "I Thought it was Just Me".

And even though I have read all her books and watched her TED talks, I am only now really getting what she has to say and seeing clearly how it applies to me. Sometimes, these things take a while to sink in.

Sitting in the Chatswood Concourse Theatre and hearing her live was such a treat. Brene is authentic and willing to share stories from her life which help us understand her research and make sense in our own lives. I laughed and I was inspired. I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes and insights from Brene that resonate with me.

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”
As Brene says we spend more time trying to win over those people who dislike us, disapprove of or criticise us and we should think of them as jackasses. She says she has a very short list of those people whose opinions really count. These are the people who we can really rely on and yet we mostly take them for granted.

Further to this, these are the people who often-times get the blame for what goes wrong in our lives. As someone in the audience remarked "we run over those people we love, while we strive to win the approval of people who really don't matter."


“One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extent a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.”
I put my hand up for this one. For years, I have played Super Mum, Super Boss, Super Person and tried to do it all, for everyone perfectly every time. When I do this stuff, I get overloaded, burning out, exploding or falling apart and blaming everyone for the pain I feel from my self-imposed exhaustion. Now that I am aware of this, I try and interrupt my pattern AND I am practising asking for help.


"Vulnerability is the first thing I want to see in you and the last thing I want you to see in me."
I have spent a lot of time in my life putting on my armour and going out into the world, protecting myself and making sure no-one can see the real me. When my hubby and I were having marriage counselling, our homework was often to sit together quietly and share our fears and uncertainties. It was a training ground for letting each other have a peek at our vulnerability. Amazingly, we both appreciated what we saw  and being vulnerable with each other brought us closer.

"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Over the last five years I have been exploring my darkness. I have shone a torch on my demons, started owning up to my fears, naming my mistakes and then learning to forgive myself and others so that I can stand in my light. It hasn't been easy and the journey isn't over but I so identify with this message.


“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 
For the last six months, I have been learning to write memoir, stories from my life. My best stories are where I have shown my vulnerability, letting my stories explore my inner world, my wonder and my frailty rather than trying to construct a safe haven within which I filter the view you get of my world.

Her latest book is called Daring Greatly and the title comes from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt which says that it isn't the critic that counts, but the person who steps into the arena and strives valiantly and at best triumphs and worst, fails while daring greatly..so this is my new mantra to go into the arena and strive valiantly every day.. rather than sit on the sidelines worrying that I am going to fail like I have done for far too long.


“Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think” 
This is so hard to change but I am working on it. I find that my creativity dries up when I worry how my art, photography and writing will be received. It is so much better to have a go rather than hold back for fear of failure or not getting approval. 


"We live in a world of scarcity where there is never enough." She quoted Lynne Twist  who noticed that the first thing we say when we wake up is "I didn't get enough sleep". The last thing we say when we go to bed is "I didn't do enough today". Brene recommends we keeping reminding ourselves, I am enough.


If you are interested in learning more about Brene Brown, she has several talks on TED as well as three books; "I thought it was Just Me", "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly".