The things that trigger

On Thursday night, I spent time with 4 dear friends. We are part of a tribe of 7 women. We call ourselves, Baubo. We came together in 1978 as part of a street theatre troupe called Caravan.

In 1992, after a reunion workshop of the whole troupe, we 7 formed a small women's support group and have been meeting together every few months for the last 20 years.

I absolutely love these women. And they know me and my insecurities so well. We have been through so much together; marriage, child rearing, grand-children, separation /divorce, therapy, health struggles and life challenges.

I also adore being part of this group. We have a ritual that we follow every time that we meet.  Each of us is given dedicated space. A space we fill with just ourself. In that space, we speak about what is happening right now in our lives; our loves, our fears, our celebrations, our disappointments. We share our feelings. We are held and nurtured. We are accepted for whatever decision we are making. We can choose to just be heard. We can choose to get advice. Whatever we ask for is honoured by the group.

And yet, while this sounds wonderful and perfect and safe and the dream that each and everyone of us wants from a friendship group, things still can go awry.

Sometimes, when individuals speak in the group or respond to our contribution, it triggers stuff in us. This time, I left the group angry and unhappy which is  rare for me in this situation. 

I rang one of the group yesterday to try and unravel what happened to set off this chain reaction. Through the course of the conversation, it became so clear.

An action, a tone of voice, a simple off-hand remark can trigger a huge reaction in me. So it isn't about the other person or other people, it is all about ME.

So I decided to write a list of what triggers stuff in me. I am sure I need to add to this as things bubble to the surface, but here is what I thought of today.

1. Feeling vulnerable. This is a big one for me. Vulnerability can set off binge-eating, depression and anger. Some of things that make me feel vulnerable

• Trying new stuff like art, blogging, writing
• Fear of failure especially at new stuff
• Exposing my true but sometimes scary feelings
• Being confronted by my health problems and staring reality in the face
• Going public where it is just me and my stuff
• Being alone in certain situations; like a social situation or home alone for several days

2. Feeling criticised. Sometimes this is real and sometimes this is implied. I can  accept genuine feedback when I am in a space to learn but some criticism sets off negative feelings. The criticisms that I struggle with

• Being told what to do when I haven't asked for help
• Being compared to someone else
• Sometimes it is the absence of praise when I show / do my stuff (yikes)
• Sometimes it is simply when I don't feel heard

3. Feeling invisible. This is also a huge issue for me and I sometimes wonder if it is why I am overweight. This can happen

• In a shop where someone else gets served out of turn, before me
• Where someone talks over the top of me
• When I feel left out in a group, or I feel ignored

This week I am going to pay attention to what triggers me. Maybe I'll be updating this post with my new learning..

Northern Territory seeds, Aboriginal women's fertility beads, September 2011