sometimes I choose to wallow

I have come to a rather startling and un-nerving (and totally unattractive) realisation recently. Sometimes I choose to wallow.

What do I mean by this? well for me, this is when I choose to sit immersed up to my eye balls in my own misery.

On two occasions in the last two months, I have found myself getting angry about a fairly trivial matter at home. Then after some serious sulking, some full-on defensive non-responsiveness and a whole lot of digging my heels in, I had an unusually insightful moment. It was, as if a thought bubble materialised above my head and the letters were typed in "This. is. of. your. own. making. and. you. could. choose. to. let. the. misery. go." AND scarily, my inner response was "nah, I want to wallow."..yikes!

Wallowing in misery is a lifetime learned pattern of mine.

In the past, my husband often called me on it and said, "your misery is infecting the rest of us". Then, I chose not to recognise this in myself and I just denied its impact. Now I am more open to feedback. I realise I can choose how I live my life, I can choose my response to trivial and significant mis-steps by those I love and strangers I encounter.

But this time, this revelation, my inner guru doing the check-in, this was a first and I want to pay attention to this.

Yesterday, I was reminded of a saying that Dr Jill Bolte Taylor wrote in her book, My Stroke of Insight about how we need people who give us energy, not people who suck the energy out of us. Her words became a slogan imploring us to "please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space." (words made famous by Oprah, after her interview with Dr Bolte Taylor).

OK here is the thing, this made me realise that my wallowing has the potential to suck the energy out of space; my home, my creativity and my interactions with others..OUCH!

I have long realised that I am attracted to people who bring positive, fun, light energy into the space that they enter. And I have an equal number of important people in my life who are more like me, glass half full, pessimistic rather than optimistic and prone to complain when things don't go to plan..

Yet, I have only just understood that sometimes I can change the way I manifest myself. Wallowing isn't "genetic" like I thought it was.

I have some wonderful models of positive fun-loving energies that I am drawn to. People whose smile makes me grin, whose stories make me laugh, whose creativity makes me participate and whose love makes me reciprocate.

So I have printed out this sign and stuck it over my computer and I am going to practice paying attention to the energy that I bring into my space. This doesn't mean I can't get angry or assertive or just plain narky but it does mean where possible I am going to choose my energy and notice how I affect my space.


from http://www.kindovermatter.com/2011/12/please-take-responsibility-for-your.html