Stepping into 2014

Here I am two weeks post surgery on my shoulder and the outcome is far from what I expected.

Last year, the MRI showed that I had a high grade tear in my subscapularis and a lesser tear in my biceps tendon. When the surgeon looked at my shoulder through the arthroscope two weeks ago, there was no evidence of either tear. I know I spent much of last year wishing for a miracle cure but the photos he took of the tendons show them in pristine condition. So it seems that the interpretation of the MRI was wrong.

However, he did find a small tear in the labrum, the cartilage that that forms the capsule of the shoulder and extensive capsulitis - scar tissue - commonly known as "frozen shoulder". Or in Japan it is known as "50 shoulder" because people over 50 especially women are prone to it. He sutured the labrum tear, released some of the scar tissue and tipped my rehab plan on its head.

After I woke from surgery, my arm was restrained in a sling and I was numb from the neck to the finger tips. It was a very strange feeling or lack of feeling to be precise. With my good hand, I would find my numb one and it was as if it was not attached to me, no feeling, no sensation, very unsettling.

When I moved, my arm hung limp and lifeless in the sling. My brain kept wanting to shake life back into my numb hand but I couldn't move it, even more confusing. Slowly feeling returned, first pins and needles and then full nerve sensation and eventually after about 18 hours, I could move my hand again.

The surgeon visited me in the morning, with my hand feeling normal, I was shaking off the last vestiges of post-operative drowsiness. He said "Don't use the sling, move your arm as much as possible. We have make sure that the stiffness caused by the frozen shoulder doesn't return and further we have to get the joint moving so that your shoulder can "break through" the remaining scar tissue.

At first I was elated; the dependence, the restrictions, the immobility that I had dreaded and feared did not eventuate. The rehab time would be much shorter.

Then I was thrown off kilter, what if I had known this last year, would I?  could I? what if?
Of course "what ifs" are not helpful. I can't go back and reclaim last year.

It has taken me two weeks to get my energy back, to get off the couch and start to move again, to reclaim my normal life. I am moving my shoulder now at the same level and range of movement that I had before the operation.  

I am in a strange place emotionally. I had quarantined the beginning of this year for rehabilitation, restriction and limitation. I feel as though I been given a bonus and I can't squander the time. Yet I still need to focus on my rehabilitation. I start hydrotherapy tomorrow. I have to do my stretches several times a day.

But I am rethinking February and March and looking forward to doing more sooner rather than later.

Sculpture entitled "Entrust" Derwent Water, Lake District, England October 2013