One Little Word 2014

My one little word for 2014 is EMERGE.

I chose this word because I feel as though I am ready to move into a new phase of my life. It is two and a half years since we walked out of the doors of Allen-Fisher Acoustics, the business that my husband and I nurtured and grew for 12 years together and he alone 12 years before.

When we left the business, I said initially that I needed a year to recover, regroup, try on different possibilities until I knew the direction that my new life would take. It's been two.

So this is the year, 2014 when I want to take the first steps towards a new career, work-life or what-ever. I am still no clearer about what to do next. But I am setting the intention to move forward.

The last two years have felt like a cocoon, a place where I have tried creative pursuits and loved them. I have also struggled and in many ways held myself while I waited out this period of change.

What do I hope for in 2014?

That I will EMERGE from
1. my frustrating health issues and return to my former energetic and healthful self
2. the extra kilos I have regained recently and get back to my exercise routine
3. my career hibernation and start / create a new job (don't know what form it will take yet), 
4. some self destructive mindless habits into a more fulfilling and mindful lifestyle.

I have started a board on Pinterest with images for my word.
http://www.pinterest.com/jennyfisher3/one-little-word-2014/

I am imagining tiny green shoots emerging from the soil, a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, the moon or sun rising out of the ocean, nature's beauty emerging from the mist, a flower pushing out of its bud, the feeling of bursting from the water..

I am going to explore this more as the year goes on and I will share my journey with you here

Here is one of the images, a sculpture entitled Freedom by Zenos Frudakis. You can read about his personal vision for this work here. http://zenosfrudakis.com/sculptures/public/Freedom.html



http://designyoutrust.com/2011/10/04/sculpture-breaks-free/
 

Stepping into 2014

Here I am two weeks post surgery on my shoulder and the outcome is far from what I expected.

Last year, the MRI showed that I had a high grade tear in my subscapularis and a lesser tear in my biceps tendon. When the surgeon looked at my shoulder through the arthroscope two weeks ago, there was no evidence of either tear. I know I spent much of last year wishing for a miracle cure but the photos he took of the tendons show them in pristine condition. So it seems that the interpretation of the MRI was wrong.

However, he did find a small tear in the labrum, the cartilage that that forms the capsule of the shoulder and extensive capsulitis - scar tissue - commonly known as "frozen shoulder". Or in Japan it is known as "50 shoulder" because people over 50 especially women are prone to it. He sutured the labrum tear, released some of the scar tissue and tipped my rehab plan on its head.

After I woke from surgery, my arm was restrained in a sling and I was numb from the neck to the finger tips. It was a very strange feeling or lack of feeling to be precise. With my good hand, I would find my numb one and it was as if it was not attached to me, no feeling, no sensation, very unsettling.

When I moved, my arm hung limp and lifeless in the sling. My brain kept wanting to shake life back into my numb hand but I couldn't move it, even more confusing. Slowly feeling returned, first pins and needles and then full nerve sensation and eventually after about 18 hours, I could move my hand again.

The surgeon visited me in the morning, with my hand feeling normal, I was shaking off the last vestiges of post-operative drowsiness. He said "Don't use the sling, move your arm as much as possible. We have make sure that the stiffness caused by the frozen shoulder doesn't return and further we have to get the joint moving so that your shoulder can "break through" the remaining scar tissue.

At first I was elated; the dependence, the restrictions, the immobility that I had dreaded and feared did not eventuate. The rehab time would be much shorter.

Then I was thrown off kilter, what if I had known this last year, would I?  could I? what if?
Of course "what ifs" are not helpful. I can't go back and reclaim last year.

It has taken me two weeks to get my energy back, to get off the couch and start to move again, to reclaim my normal life. I am moving my shoulder now at the same level and range of movement that I had before the operation.  

I am in a strange place emotionally. I had quarantined the beginning of this year for rehabilitation, restriction and limitation. I feel as though I been given a bonus and I can't squander the time. Yet I still need to focus on my rehabilitation. I start hydrotherapy tomorrow. I have to do my stretches several times a day.

But I am rethinking February and March and looking forward to doing more sooner rather than later.

Sculpture entitled "Entrust" Derwent Water, Lake District, England October 2013

Reviewing 2013

I have been avoiding my blog for the last few months. Life has been challenging me. I injured my shoulder in March and I have spent my hours looking for a miracle solution. I have been told that surgery is the only option by the surgeon and doctors but the allied health staff have been aghast, insisting that I find another solution. They have implored me.
 
This has sent me into a confused funk, I have thrown endless dollars at alternative possibilities in the hope that my shoulder will recover and it hasn't.

I have been quite depressed about it as I contemplate surgery and then 6 months  rehabilitation including 2 months where I have to keep my arm immobile while I am dressed, washed, fed and cared for by my husband and friends.

I find this so hard to contemplate. I am the uber independent woman. I like to drive my car, flit about unencumbered, set my agenda according to what I want to do and when.
As I think about next year and try to plan, all I can think is that the first four months are on hold. That is one big hole in next year.

As I sunk into a deeper pit of misery, I lost sight of the wonderful things that I have enjoyed this year. I have just started a photo book of highlights of 2013 so that I can remember the good stuff amongst the bad.
Biggest negative issue has been my weight gain as a result of my limited ability to exercise since I injured my shoulder (20 March 2013).
So let us have some fun remembering the best bits of my 2013..

I have found three themes for this year

Connection, Creativity and Cooking

1. Connection - Reconnection..
I reconnected with Britta after 30 years- I met Britta while I was backpacking in Europe in 1983. We have been keeping in touch by email and met face to face this year.

 

I reconnected with Jenny and Karen after 15 years. We went to Uni together and lost touch due to personal stress but now we have we reconnected.

 

 

I reconnected with cousins in the UK - we keep in touch by email and it is so good to spend time together.

 



Creativity

Photography - I did a course where I learned about night photography, bokeh, light and depth of field. One of my photos was selected from 1000 entries in the Top 30 of the class.

 

 

In addition, I learned about shibori- inspirational indigo dyeing and folding techniques..

Photography Bokeh - that exciting technique of making the background light into star burst wallpaper...

 
Quilting a landscape wall hanging (below) and my niece Grace's bed quilt

 



Cooking
I joined a writing class this year and found my forte in making sumptuous gluten free cakes EVERY week...

I also revelled in making other beautiful food - I did love cooking in 2013..lots of it was very healthy
 

As I bemoan my physical issues in 2013, this has been an uplifting exercise of acknowledging the good stuff that has happened.

Wishing you all a fun and nourishing holiday season..
My shoulder operation is on 15 January so I plan to pack lots of good times into the next three weeks
Lots of love and best wishes
Jenny

what do I do?

In one week, I get on a plane bound for the UK and when we leave Australian Immigration, I have to complete a form and there is one box that has me totally flummoxed.

I don't know what to put in the Occupation box. Part of me wonders does anybody care or is it just me? I think it is because I have always struggled with this question. It defines who I am. It holds me back, it boxes me in and ultimately, it tears me apart. You see I have never really had one single word that described me..more especially right now fully.
 
If I go by what I am trained to do, what I have the piece of paper to say I am - I would write Social Worker but in truth I haven't been a social worker since 1987 so that won't do. Ever since 1987 I have written Manager in the box because all my job titles between 1987 and 2010 had the word 'Manager' in the name. But I am not a Manager any more because we sold the work I managed two years ago.

Now truth be known I am "In Transition". Since we sold our Business, I have been taking some time to decide what to do next - If they accept 'Unemployed' as a definition, perhaps I could put 'In Transition' in the box. I fear this is what makes me feel so stuck, "In Transition" is no wo-man's land, a place of uncertainty, a purgatory of sorts, floating about unsure of my direction.

If I look at what takes up the majority of my time I should put Home Duties (Cook, Cleaner, Mother & Wife) but that is not how I define myself. Oh no - I am not a person defined by Home Duties - no, no, no (well that settles that!)

If the question really is how do you earn money? I would write Company Director. We have a company with funds that pay my way.

But really the question What is my Occupation?

Dictionary.com say this is defined as

1. a person's usual or principal work or business, especially as a means of earning a living; 

2. any activity in which a person is engaged.

3. possession, settlement, or use of land or property.

4. the act of occupying.

5. the state of being occupied

 

So I think the crux of this question is,  what engages me? well right now I am engaged in becoming a writer, a blogger, a photographer, a quilter and an artist.

 

Interestingly, I feel like all of those names define me except Writer - that is the one I struggle with, hide from and feel I am completely hopeless at achieving.

 

Besides, there aren't enough boxes to write all of these, so I am a Creator. Dictionary.com gives me some options here- a person who creates is a Creator but a female person who creates is a Creatress or a Creatrix.

 

So from this day forth I am a Creatress and in brackets (Writer) because I think if I write the word often enough I will eventually grow into my belief that I can do it..one day..It may sound pretentious, but I think naming ourselves helps clarify who we are in the world. I am going to try this one on for size. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one week and away

In one week, we will be heading overseas and I feel so unprepared. Normally I am over-organised and tightly prepared but this time, I am almost reluctant.

Last year my husband and I travelled for three months across Turkey, Greece, Croatia, Spain and Morocco with side trips to London and Paris and a final two weeks in New York and San Francisco. It was the trip of a lifetime with a wonderful balance of culture and art, together with planned excursions to walk and ride bikes, a meeting with old friends and a much anticipated art course in Marrakesh. Sadly it didn't all go to plan.

My hubby developed very painful bursitis in the hip the week before we left and after several cortisone injections found the pain beginning to diminish as we boarded the plane. He took time out to rest in Turkey and was just finding his energy return in Santorini when he injured his knee. The next month felt like hard work as I worried a lot and took the load helping him. I can see how I behaved like a warrior taking on the world, shouldering the burdens and pushing through to solve what needed to be done.

When we arrived in Marrakesh to attend my art course "Painting for the Petrified", I was thrilled. Our whole trip had been planned around the timing of this course.  On the first day, my leg became severely swollen. I had developed a DVT. Luckily, we were part of a tour so I was supported and assisted by our local guide who became my interpreter and lifeline to understanding the medical service in this foreign country.

When I was discharged from hospital, I was issued with sufficient injectable heparin to get me home and after an incredibly stressful negotiation with the travel insurance company in Australia, finally managed to resume our journey.

Back home, I was struck with a profound sense of vulnerability. I was well but my body had thrown me a curve ball, totally unexpected and out of the blue. I didn't handle this feeling of helplessness well. My body has continued to challenge me for the next twelve months. I have experienced a series of new, mysterious and unexpected body issues;
1.   First there was the pain similar to electric shocks in my jaw which turned out to be nerve pain related to my TMJ (temporomandibular joint or the hinge in my jaw). This resolved after chiropractic treatment but not before I was multi-checked by my dentist and a neurologist
2. My knee became severely swollen after a normal gym work out needing intensive physio.
3. After scrubbing the floor, my hand and two fingers became numb and tingling diagnosed as bruised nerve and took two months to heal.
4. Then my back went into severe spasm and took two weeks of treatment to settle and relax.
5. Just as I was recovering from all these, I slipped on some rocks while taking a photo and landed heavily on my elbow. After five months of treatment and rehabilitation, I have been told that I require shoulder surgery and six months rehabilitation.
 
I am struggling to accept my physical vulnerability. None of these problems on their own are big issues but together, in sequence, they have left me feeling a little fearful and unsure.

But in one week we are going overseas, to visit family in the UK, to reconnect with loved ones, to explore new scenery and take some wonderful photos, so I am having a wee chat with myself.. and this is what I am working on..

 I promise to

1. be mindful, stay present and enjoy the moment

2. loosen my iron grip of control and submit to the universe..

3. take care of and be easy on myself

 
I will let you know how I fare..

 

My feet

I have spent the last week trying to buy a new pair of walking shoes that will take me from pavements to hiking trails when we travel to the UK and Ireland in two weeks time.

Frankly, my feet are too big. They aren't gigantic on the spectrum of feet but they do not fit into the normal range of shoe sizes stocked by most women's shoe retailers. When I was growing up I was always confident that I was a 10 and a half fractional fitting. Now when I say that to retailers, they look at me perplexed, is that US or UK? I used to shrug and then I did a lot of research to find that I am in fact mostly a US 10.5 but because so many shoes don't come in half sizes I am a US 11 which is UK 8.5 and Eur 42.5 when the retailer has these in stock..

As I morphed into an adult, I dreamed of wearing a stylish pair of shoes. To find any that would fit, I had to go to the specialist shoe store. It was the shop for feet that are too big, too small, too wide or too narrow. One place in the city in a tiny arcade accessed only by lift. Even then there were usually just two possible contenders that fit my feet. Not any more because real shoe shops now stock all sizes, or at least on the day the stock arrives.

I have often requested a size 11 to be told, "we had one pair in that size but it was sold on the day they arrived". Do shoe stores honestly think there is only one person in Sydney with big feet? I know they cater to the average and that is why sale tables groan under the weight of excess average shoes.

Desperation has in the past led me to make very bad decisions about shoes and consequently I actually wonder if I know what is a good fit feels like any more. My cupboard holds several pairs that I swear felt perfect in the shop but now either squish and cramp my feet or flip-flop around giving me blisters after 5 minutes of walking. Sometimes, I am convinced that the shop attendant switched the shoes somewhere between the try-on chair and the checkout.

Today, as I trouped from store to store, I found that "no we don't make walking shoes in your size in the woman's range but the good news is we can fit you into a man's shoe". While, I have a wide foot by women's standards, my foot is narrow in the men's range.

Add to this, the anomaly that my left foot is half a size smaller than my right foot and on both feet my second and third toes are longer than my big toe. Oh woe is me..

Still recently I found that my feet don't like the shoes that I wear and I have suffered in the foot department. Perhaps because I am more active. I used to be a sloth. Having two bruised second toes is becoming the norm and I don't like this problem..

For years, I limited myself to four pairs of shoes. One pair for the gym, another pair of black lace ups for my day activities and  one pair of boots for winter dressing up and a pair of sandals for summer dressing up.

About 4 years ago, I lost a lot of weight and decided that I deserved a wardrobe upgrade and splurged on several pairs of shoes but they sit like unwelcome guests in my cupboard while I choose the ones that I know will be comfortable.

So today, after trying on countless pairs of shoes and matching them with different socks and worrying that my feet will swell when I walk, I have ended up with a pair of men's walking shoes, a little too roomy especially on the left foot and RED.

After years of having a wardrobe of black shoes, I now own a pair of red walking shoes and I think if I can just get the left foot appropriately snug rather than moving inside the shoe, I might enjoy this foray into new footwear. 

far away, home, stillness & books

I am doing another four day August Break Catchup...

 

Day 12 Far Away

So excited that I learned to take a photo of the full moon this year-

this one was taken without a tripod-pressing the camera hard against my face..

 

Day 13 Home

Love that I work from home and have done so for more than 15 years..

the view from my window is mostly green -lots of trees and in different seasons, I see flowers or bare branches as well.

 

 

Day 14 Stillness

So glad this guy was sitting very still and

I could get a lovely closeup of him.. 

 

 

Day 15 Books

So many to choose from, here is a snippet of my inspiration

as I show you just one spot in my many shelves..