what do I do?

In one week, I get on a plane bound for the UK and when we leave Australian Immigration, I have to complete a form and there is one box that has me totally flummoxed.

I don't know what to put in the Occupation box. Part of me wonders does anybody care or is it just me? I think it is because I have always struggled with this question. It defines who I am. It holds me back, it boxes me in and ultimately, it tears me apart. You see I have never really had one single word that described me..more especially right now fully.
 
If I go by what I am trained to do, what I have the piece of paper to say I am - I would write Social Worker but in truth I haven't been a social worker since 1987 so that won't do. Ever since 1987 I have written Manager in the box because all my job titles between 1987 and 2010 had the word 'Manager' in the name. But I am not a Manager any more because we sold the work I managed two years ago.

Now truth be known I am "In Transition". Since we sold our Business, I have been taking some time to decide what to do next - If they accept 'Unemployed' as a definition, perhaps I could put 'In Transition' in the box. I fear this is what makes me feel so stuck, "In Transition" is no wo-man's land, a place of uncertainty, a purgatory of sorts, floating about unsure of my direction.

If I look at what takes up the majority of my time I should put Home Duties (Cook, Cleaner, Mother & Wife) but that is not how I define myself. Oh no - I am not a person defined by Home Duties - no, no, no (well that settles that!)

If the question really is how do you earn money? I would write Company Director. We have a company with funds that pay my way.

But really the question What is my Occupation?

Dictionary.com say this is defined as

1. a person's usual or principal work or business, especially as a means of earning a living; 

2. any activity in which a person is engaged.

3. possession, settlement, or use of land or property.

4. the act of occupying.

5. the state of being occupied

 

So I think the crux of this question is,  what engages me? well right now I am engaged in becoming a writer, a blogger, a photographer, a quilter and an artist.

 

Interestingly, I feel like all of those names define me except Writer - that is the one I struggle with, hide from and feel I am completely hopeless at achieving.

 

Besides, there aren't enough boxes to write all of these, so I am a Creator. Dictionary.com gives me some options here- a person who creates is a Creator but a female person who creates is a Creatress or a Creatrix.

 

So from this day forth I am a Creatress and in brackets (Writer) because I think if I write the word often enough I will eventually grow into my belief that I can do it..one day..It may sound pretentious, but I think naming ourselves helps clarify who we are in the world. I am going to try this one on for size. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one week and away

In one week, we will be heading overseas and I feel so unprepared. Normally I am over-organised and tightly prepared but this time, I am almost reluctant.

Last year my husband and I travelled for three months across Turkey, Greece, Croatia, Spain and Morocco with side trips to London and Paris and a final two weeks in New York and San Francisco. It was the trip of a lifetime with a wonderful balance of culture and art, together with planned excursions to walk and ride bikes, a meeting with old friends and a much anticipated art course in Marrakesh. Sadly it didn't all go to plan.

My hubby developed very painful bursitis in the hip the week before we left and after several cortisone injections found the pain beginning to diminish as we boarded the plane. He took time out to rest in Turkey and was just finding his energy return in Santorini when he injured his knee. The next month felt like hard work as I worried a lot and took the load helping him. I can see how I behaved like a warrior taking on the world, shouldering the burdens and pushing through to solve what needed to be done.

When we arrived in Marrakesh to attend my art course "Painting for the Petrified", I was thrilled. Our whole trip had been planned around the timing of this course.  On the first day, my leg became severely swollen. I had developed a DVT. Luckily, we were part of a tour so I was supported and assisted by our local guide who became my interpreter and lifeline to understanding the medical service in this foreign country.

When I was discharged from hospital, I was issued with sufficient injectable heparin to get me home and after an incredibly stressful negotiation with the travel insurance company in Australia, finally managed to resume our journey.

Back home, I was struck with a profound sense of vulnerability. I was well but my body had thrown me a curve ball, totally unexpected and out of the blue. I didn't handle this feeling of helplessness well. My body has continued to challenge me for the next twelve months. I have experienced a series of new, mysterious and unexpected body issues;
1.   First there was the pain similar to electric shocks in my jaw which turned out to be nerve pain related to my TMJ (temporomandibular joint or the hinge in my jaw). This resolved after chiropractic treatment but not before I was multi-checked by my dentist and a neurologist
2. My knee became severely swollen after a normal gym work out needing intensive physio.
3. After scrubbing the floor, my hand and two fingers became numb and tingling diagnosed as bruised nerve and took two months to heal.
4. Then my back went into severe spasm and took two weeks of treatment to settle and relax.
5. Just as I was recovering from all these, I slipped on some rocks while taking a photo and landed heavily on my elbow. After five months of treatment and rehabilitation, I have been told that I require shoulder surgery and six months rehabilitation.
 
I am struggling to accept my physical vulnerability. None of these problems on their own are big issues but together, in sequence, they have left me feeling a little fearful and unsure.

But in one week we are going overseas, to visit family in the UK, to reconnect with loved ones, to explore new scenery and take some wonderful photos, so I am having a wee chat with myself.. and this is what I am working on..

 I promise to

1. be mindful, stay present and enjoy the moment

2. loosen my iron grip of control and submit to the universe..

3. take care of and be easy on myself

 
I will let you know how I fare..

 

My feet

I have spent the last week trying to buy a new pair of walking shoes that will take me from pavements to hiking trails when we travel to the UK and Ireland in two weeks time.

Frankly, my feet are too big. They aren't gigantic on the spectrum of feet but they do not fit into the normal range of shoe sizes stocked by most women's shoe retailers. When I was growing up I was always confident that I was a 10 and a half fractional fitting. Now when I say that to retailers, they look at me perplexed, is that US or UK? I used to shrug and then I did a lot of research to find that I am in fact mostly a US 10.5 but because so many shoes don't come in half sizes I am a US 11 which is UK 8.5 and Eur 42.5 when the retailer has these in stock..

As I morphed into an adult, I dreamed of wearing a stylish pair of shoes. To find any that would fit, I had to go to the specialist shoe store. It was the shop for feet that are too big, too small, too wide or too narrow. One place in the city in a tiny arcade accessed only by lift. Even then there were usually just two possible contenders that fit my feet. Not any more because real shoe shops now stock all sizes, or at least on the day the stock arrives.

I have often requested a size 11 to be told, "we had one pair in that size but it was sold on the day they arrived". Do shoe stores honestly think there is only one person in Sydney with big feet? I know they cater to the average and that is why sale tables groan under the weight of excess average shoes.

Desperation has in the past led me to make very bad decisions about shoes and consequently I actually wonder if I know what is a good fit feels like any more. My cupboard holds several pairs that I swear felt perfect in the shop but now either squish and cramp my feet or flip-flop around giving me blisters after 5 minutes of walking. Sometimes, I am convinced that the shop attendant switched the shoes somewhere between the try-on chair and the checkout.

Today, as I trouped from store to store, I found that "no we don't make walking shoes in your size in the woman's range but the good news is we can fit you into a man's shoe". While, I have a wide foot by women's standards, my foot is narrow in the men's range.

Add to this, the anomaly that my left foot is half a size smaller than my right foot and on both feet my second and third toes are longer than my big toe. Oh woe is me..

Still recently I found that my feet don't like the shoes that I wear and I have suffered in the foot department. Perhaps because I am more active. I used to be a sloth. Having two bruised second toes is becoming the norm and I don't like this problem..

For years, I limited myself to four pairs of shoes. One pair for the gym, another pair of black lace ups for my day activities and  one pair of boots for winter dressing up and a pair of sandals for summer dressing up.

About 4 years ago, I lost a lot of weight and decided that I deserved a wardrobe upgrade and splurged on several pairs of shoes but they sit like unwelcome guests in my cupboard while I choose the ones that I know will be comfortable.

So today, after trying on countless pairs of shoes and matching them with different socks and worrying that my feet will swell when I walk, I have ended up with a pair of men's walking shoes, a little too roomy especially on the left foot and RED.

After years of having a wardrobe of black shoes, I now own a pair of red walking shoes and I think if I can just get the left foot appropriately snug rather than moving inside the shoe, I might enjoy this foray into new footwear. 

far away, home, stillness & books

I am doing another four day August Break Catchup...

 

Day 12 Far Away

So excited that I learned to take a photo of the full moon this year-

this one was taken without a tripod-pressing the camera hard against my face..

 

Day 13 Home

Love that I work from home and have done so for more than 15 years..

the view from my window is mostly green -lots of trees and in different seasons, I see flowers or bare branches as well.

 

 

Day 14 Stillness

So glad this guy was sitting very still and

I could get a lovely closeup of him.. 

 

 

Day 15 Books

So many to choose from, here is a snippet of my inspiration

as I show you just one spot in my many shelves.. 

 

Lessons from Brene

 

Brene Brown with Jono Fisher of Wake Up Sydney (Photo by WakeUp Sydney)

Last Saturday, I had the privilege to hear Brene Brown speak at a session hosted by Wake-Up Sydney. She is a social worker who does research into vulnerability, shame and fear. I have been a fan of Brene's work ever since I stumbled on her first book "I Thought it was Just Me".

And even though I have read all her books and watched her TED talks, I am only now really getting what she has to say and seeing clearly how it applies to me. Sometimes, these things take a while to sink in.

Sitting in the Chatswood Concourse Theatre and hearing her live was such a treat. Brene is authentic and willing to share stories from her life which help us understand her research and make sense in our own lives. I laughed and I was inspired. I thought I would share some of my favourite quotes and insights from Brene that resonate with me.

“Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.”
As Brene says we spend more time trying to win over those people who dislike us, disapprove of or criticise us and we should think of them as jackasses. She says she has a very short list of those people whose opinions really count. These are the people who we can really rely on and yet we mostly take them for granted.

Further to this, these are the people who often-times get the blame for what goes wrong in our lives. As someone in the audience remarked "we run over those people we love, while we strive to win the approval of people who really don't matter."


“One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extent a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.”
I put my hand up for this one. For years, I have played Super Mum, Super Boss, Super Person and tried to do it all, for everyone perfectly every time. When I do this stuff, I get overloaded, burning out, exploding or falling apart and blaming everyone for the pain I feel from my self-imposed exhaustion. Now that I am aware of this, I try and interrupt my pattern AND I am practising asking for help.


"Vulnerability is the first thing I want to see in you and the last thing I want you to see in me."
I have spent a lot of time in my life putting on my armour and going out into the world, protecting myself and making sure no-one can see the real me. When my hubby and I were having marriage counselling, our homework was often to sit together quietly and share our fears and uncertainties. It was a training ground for letting each other have a peek at our vulnerability. Amazingly, we both appreciated what we saw  and being vulnerable with each other brought us closer.

"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Over the last five years I have been exploring my darkness. I have shone a torch on my demons, started owning up to my fears, naming my mistakes and then learning to forgive myself and others so that I can stand in my light. It hasn't been easy and the journey isn't over but I so identify with this message.


“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 
For the last six months, I have been learning to write memoir, stories from my life. My best stories are where I have shown my vulnerability, letting my stories explore my inner world, my wonder and my frailty rather than trying to construct a safe haven within which I filter the view you get of my world.

Her latest book is called Daring Greatly and the title comes from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt which says that it isn't the critic that counts, but the person who steps into the arena and strives valiantly and at best triumphs and worst, fails while daring greatly..so this is my new mantra to go into the arena and strive valiantly every day.. rather than sit on the sidelines worrying that I am going to fail like I have done for far too long.


“Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think” 
This is so hard to change but I am working on it. I find that my creativity dries up when I worry how my art, photography and writing will be received. It is so much better to have a go rather than hold back for fear of failure or not getting approval. 


"We live in a world of scarcity where there is never enough." She quoted Lynne Twist  who noticed that the first thing we say when we wake up is "I didn't get enough sleep". The last thing we say when we go to bed is "I didn't do enough today". Brene recommends we keeping reminding ourselves, I am enough.


If you are interested in learning more about Brene Brown, she has several talks on TED as well as three books; "I thought it was Just Me", "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly".

selfie, taste, red & play

Another August Break 2013 catchup..and I have been playing with filters on my photo program..

Day 8 Selfie

 

 

 

Day 9 Taste

 

 

 

Day 10 Red

 

 

 

Day 11 Play

 

 

closeup, diagonal & skyline

August Break Catch Up and I am cheating - all of these pictures were taken this year but not this week!

Day 5 Close Up

I love taking closeups so this was a hard one to choose...so here is something I haven't posted before. This was taken in an aquarium..

 

Day 6 Diagonal

I almost chose this one for the next category of skyline..

Day 7 Skyline

I couldn't resist this rural skyline..and what a sky!

circle and yellow and love

I am running behind on my August break 2013 and somehow doing three days at once feels OK

Day 2 was Circles

 

Day 3 was Yellow

This was an amazing and inspiring morning

when I heard one of my favourite people speak.

 

 

Day 4 was Love

 

Yesterday, I spent the day with two friends from University. We met 35 years ago and through various changes in our lives lost touch 15 years ago. It was wonderful to be reunited again. The blessing of such friendships is that time falls away and it was as if we had been meeting for lunch every week for the last 15 years....Love enduring friendships.

 

 

 



August Break 01

I am joining Susannah Conway's 2013 August Break In this project, she provides a photo prompt and we take a photo and share it on our blog, thereby joining a community around the world clicking on similar topics for one whole month. You can just do a picture or add words so I will see where this journey takes me and how much I stay on script for the whole month!

For today, 1 August the prompt is Breakfast.

At home, most mornings, I have a very similar breakfast; museli, fruit and yoghurt. Always with a takeaway coffee and often with the papers to read as well. But when I go out for breakfast, I mostly choose eggs.

Here are some photos that make me think of breakfast..